The Apostle John

A major theme that we notice throughout John's gospel is his emphasis on the full deity and full humanity of Jesus. This is extremely helpful for the audience he was writing to at that time, as well as for us today.

In an attempt to put yourself in John's sandals during this life changing moment, ask yourself what might have been going through his mind throughout the arrest, trial, and crucifixion of Jesus. While we can never really capture his thoughts in that moment, I think his emphasis on the full humanity of Jesus gives us a hint.

The gospel writers were inspired by the Holy Spirit to write what they wrote, but what I love about John's gospel is that his human perspective still found ways to peak through here and there. My favorite instance of this is found in John 20:3-4, which says, "At that, Peter and the other disciple went out, heading for the tomb. The two were running together, but the other disciple outran Peter and got to the tomb first." For whatever reason, John felt that it was helpful for his audience to know that he was faster than Peter, and I love that.

Not only that, but he goes out of his way on multiple occasions to tell us that he was also the disciple that Jesus loved. He does so in the passage above. So as I am attempting to put myself in John's place during these pivotal moments, I find myself asking why did he feel the need to mention that he was the one Jesus loved?

We see in John's account, that he is following Jesus throughout the entire process. He doesn't leave Jesus. It makes me wonder, was this out of sense of duty to Jesus? A moment of obligated faithfulness? He had been following his leader—his Rabbi—closely, and now it seemed like it had been all for nothing. A waste of time.

Everything he had hoped for, seemingly dismantled in a moment. There must have been a knot in John's stomach. I can't even imagine. But John stayed. What else was he to do?

I found myself recently just attending church because it's the right thing to do. I would read the Scriptures because it is the right thing to do. I served others and my family because it was the right thing to do. There were moments in that time, when I was so frustrated with Christianity that I was only doing those things as a duty to my family. Obligated faithfulness and obedience.

At first, affixing the idea of obligation to the concepts of faithfulness and obedience might seem like a negative combination, but I am not so sure it is. We are human and there are days where we just aren't feeling it. The heart is not right and our motives are often duty driven.

Yet, there is something to be said about remaining faithful and obedient in the times where everything in us says, "I don't feel like it…" or "Just give up, it's not worth it anymore."

John had to have been thinking at some point during the night, "this isn't worth it anymore," or "I could just leave." But he stayed. What else could he do? What else could we do? Where else could we go?

Sometimes, faithfulness is all we have to give, and we hope that it will be worth it in the end. Jesus saw John's faithfulness to remain and stay with Him and He entrusted John with the responsibility to care for His mother. Jesus didn't even extend that request to his brothers, but instead to the disciple Jesus loved.

I believe as John recounts these events, he was reminded that even in the midst of his doubts, the condition of his heart, his thoughts of leaving, Jesus loved him and made his love known in a very personal way. As he takes these things into account after Jesus was resurrected, he is even more encouraged and empowered by these moments in his life.

As we enter into this important season of remembrance, may we be encouraged to remain faithful and obedient, even in the moments where we just don't feel like it and it feels like there is every reason to quit. The resurrection is coming. There is hope on the other side.

Nate Alaniz serves as Director of Spiritual Life at Dallas Baptist University.